Making Lists

I don't think I have ever wanted something so bad that I would do anything to get it. This was my problem when people were trying to get me to accept Jesus for the "first" time. I just didn't want it enough.

Even with this problem, I still have motivation to get things done... but only when I perceive consequences for not doing them. What "they" will think is always what drives me. If "they" are not in the equation, there is no drive. I never seem to be able to motivate myself simply by desire. Sure, I would like to have a car, but I'm driven to save for one more by the thought that the family needs another car than my desire to have one. My sister, on the other hand, sees a car on the way home from work and decides it is "essential to her being" (those are her words).

I really just want to be so filled with passion about something that I can't eat, can't sleep. I want to pine for something, to want something so much that I will work for it. I'm tired of my laziness overcoming all my puny desires. I want something so powerful that it drives me to action. I'm tired of making lists of pros and cons to help me make my decisions. Can't I just follow my heart for once?! I know what I'm asking for has its own problems, but it just seems so much more human to feel with that intensity. Am I really just wired to be bland?

What Next?

What do you do if you graduate college with a degree in religion and yet are totally disillusioned with all God has to offer? That's where I'm currently stuck. My degree is essentially worthless at this point. So what do I do?

Since I've been back home I've been slowly applying to various jobs, many of them clerical in nature. I'm mostly just looking for something to keep me busy and help me save some money for a car. But what about an actual career? To do that I would probably need to go back to school, but at this point I have no drive whatsoever. What happened? I used to be so into school and learning, and now I just want to sit on my butt and do nothing. And yet I'm bored. It's a twisted trap I'm in: I hate doing anything, but I'm bored beyond belief just sitting here. I don't want to exert any effort to better myself, but I hate where I'm at. I'm just stuck.

I don't think this is how life is supposed to be. Aren't you supposed to want to spend your life doing something? Aren't you supposed to have some sort of passion? At this point, anything requiring skill scares me and everything else seems boring. What happened to me? How am I supposed to go on living like this? At least when I was blinded by religion, I had something to be passionate about. Now what? Is it better to be blind but happy or to see the holes in your beliefs and feel miserable about it? How do I regain a semblance of purpose when all I believed in is currently hanging on by a thread? I just don't know anymore.