Effort

I've been avoiding posting for some time now. It's not that I've been busy. In fact, I haven't done much of anything for almost two weeks now. I've finally got the hang of this relaxing thing. And it's made me do some thinking.

Like I said, for the past week or two, I've been extremely lazy. This means getting up at noon, not showering, watching TV for hours, not looking for a job, and not looking at used cars for sale. I only do what I want to do. At first it was nice - I enjoyed loafing around without any responsibilities. But now I'm beginning to feel a bit...I don't know...dead. I'm starting to wonder if a little discipline in my life wouldn't be all that bad. Maybe taking care of myself means actually putting effort into my life instead of just doing whatever feels best at the moment. I learned this the hard way my last year of school when I put on a lot of weight. I was so stressed and unhappy that I just allowed myself to eat for comfort. What gratified me in the short term left me feeling miserable in the long term. I needed some self-control.

Now, I know, this seems like a stupid lesson. Of course you can't just do what you want all the time. Life requires sacrifices! But realize that I've been living most of my life in hyper-discipline mode. If I didn't get all A's, I was lazy. If I didn't spend time with God daily, I was a bad person. If I didn't invest in my friends, I was selfish. On and on. It was just exhausting. And so I chose the opposite side of the spectrum as a remedy to this burnout.

As cliche as it sounds, I need to learn the principle of moderation. I want to feel happy and fulfilled, and that doesn't come either from hyper-diligence or from complete self-centered living. Some sort of exercise of will is needed to give my life meaning. Life actually takes effort to truly be lived.

Lost...

Well, here goes.

My father convinced me to start a blog so as to damper boredom. I've been home after graduating for almost a week now. My original plan was to relax for a month before doing anything, but apparently I'm no good at relaxing. I've already been searching for a job, cleaning, looking at used cars, and mostly just being bored. There goes my plan.

But the real reason I agreed to start a blog was to have an outlet for some of the life-altering musings I've been having for the last two years. Since April 2009, my life has taken a radical turn (we're yet to see if it is for the better). I no longer want to be perfect, and I no longer want to serve a God who wants me to be perfect. I've come to see that living that way was only making me crazy - almost literally. Since that night in 2009, I have been trying to learn who I really am instead of who "they" have told me to be my whole life. I have always been the perfect student and the perfect Christian. The one all my friends looked up to (or so I thought). But all of that perfection just ended up making me tired, anxious, and loveless. My process of change has been very slow, but this blog might just help me along a bit faster.