Pets

I'm starting to not post everyday... I find I just don't have much to say. Maybe a blog was a silly idea after all. Besides, I'm basically just talking to myself on here...

Anyway, I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything today. I woke up, ate breakfast, and then promptly went back to bed until after noon. But the especially good part was, I had a kitty with me. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I always want animals to like me. When my grandma had a horse for a brief period, I would always approach the fence and call out to her, expecting to be a horse whisperer or something. It's the same with my cats. When I got home from college and my dad's cat immediately wanted me to pet her, I felt so loved. Like a cat wanting to be around me makes me a good person or something. Never mind that she only likes me for what she can get out of me. So, when one of my mom's cats stayed on my bed after I forcibly put her on there, I was elated.

This sounds cliche, but animals just feel so much safer than people. Sure, they love you because you take care of them, but it's so easy to feel special when they cuddle up next to you and want to be petted. They're kind of like kids in their shameless desire to be waited upon. Only I like pets way more than I like children. It's just so much easier to be yourself around your pets than it is around other people. They won't judge you or think you're weird. They don't care as long as you pet them and feed them!

Maybe the reason that human relationships frustrate me so much is that they require so much effort. Call me mean, but sometimes I just don't really care about other people's lives. I just want to feel loved! I'm sure the easy answer to this dilemma is to turn to God. He's supposed to be the one to love us even when we don't love him. But I just don't see this in my life. Sure, I've had a few answered prayers, but I've never felt an overwhelming sense of love from the Almighty. So either I'm not listening or he's not talking... and I'm tired of it being my fault. It's not pretty, but that's the truth.

Doing the Right Thing

Lately, there are just some people in my life that make me want to scream. I truly think that I hate them. I want them to suffer. All they have to do is open their mouths and I want to lash out both verbally and physically. So am I really bad deep down? Does this show my true self?

If I am really evil deep down, and in need of someone to wash me clean from my sin, why is my main desire in life just to be happy? That doesn't seem so sinister. Now, some people may claim that this desire just reflects our innate selfishness, which was the first sin in the Garden of Eden. But is the desire for happiness really so bad? Am I really supposed to choose the "good" over what makes me happy? I just don't get it.

What used to make so much sense in Christianity now seems like a burden. I used to want to do what was "right" and "good" just because it was so. Now I don't know why I put so much energy into something that made me miserable. Why should I live by any standard besides happiness?

When people do cry out to God, it always seems to be from a place of complete brokenness. So does that mean I need to feel even worse before God will help me? Before I will want his help? Why does a religion that is supposed to be about hope say you must be miserable before you "qualify" for assistance? This is what makes me afraid to be happy: the fear that is is truly a reflection of my evil heart, that I should really be miserable or else God will not reach out to me. I'm afraid of becoming one of those "godless heathens" who couldn't care less what God thinks. I'm afraid of losing my chance.

So what's the right thing to do? Go with my heart and ignore God, possibly damning myself forever? Or stick to my old principles and constantly try to incorporate God into my miserable life? Should I be happy or good? It doesn't seem like I can have both.