Doing the Right Thing

Lately, there are just some people in my life that make me want to scream. I truly think that I hate them. I want them to suffer. All they have to do is open their mouths and I want to lash out both verbally and physically. So am I really bad deep down? Does this show my true self?

If I am really evil deep down, and in need of someone to wash me clean from my sin, why is my main desire in life just to be happy? That doesn't seem so sinister. Now, some people may claim that this desire just reflects our innate selfishness, which was the first sin in the Garden of Eden. But is the desire for happiness really so bad? Am I really supposed to choose the "good" over what makes me happy? I just don't get it.

What used to make so much sense in Christianity now seems like a burden. I used to want to do what was "right" and "good" just because it was so. Now I don't know why I put so much energy into something that made me miserable. Why should I live by any standard besides happiness?

When people do cry out to God, it always seems to be from a place of complete brokenness. So does that mean I need to feel even worse before God will help me? Before I will want his help? Why does a religion that is supposed to be about hope say you must be miserable before you "qualify" for assistance? This is what makes me afraid to be happy: the fear that is is truly a reflection of my evil heart, that I should really be miserable or else God will not reach out to me. I'm afraid of becoming one of those "godless heathens" who couldn't care less what God thinks. I'm afraid of losing my chance.

So what's the right thing to do? Go with my heart and ignore God, possibly damning myself forever? Or stick to my old principles and constantly try to incorporate God into my miserable life? Should I be happy or good? It doesn't seem like I can have both.