I really wouldn't make a good manual laborer. Not that I'm really weak or anything, but that I'm too much of a perfectionist. I was helping my grandmother clean out her car today, and every time I scrubbed something, I wanted to do it perfectly. I worried that I wasn't trying "hard enough," even in a simple car-washing.
This same problem occurs in my school work. I feel like I have to do my best all the time, or else I'm being lazy. There is no in-between. A lot of this comes, I think, from misinterpreting Colossians 3:23-24, which reads, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." I figured that if I was working for God, then I better give it all I had or else dishonor him. When I was younger, I finally had to write a note to myself beside this verse - "You can't get out the toothbrush for everything" - when I was literally using a toothbrush to clean the floor of one of the bathrooms in my dad's house, trying to "work at it with all my heart."
This mindset is still a major problem for me, as evidenced from my car-cleaning adventure. My last semester of college, my dad was trying to teach me how to do things "half-assed." (To quote Homer Simpson, "But, I'm using my whole ass!") I tried to listen to him and get a B, even a C, on an assignment or a test, but my brain kept telling me that to do so meant to be a bad person. Anything less than my best effort is sinful, apparently. And this doesn't just apply to school. I handed in resumes and applications at a hair salon and a car dealership today and I couldn't help thinking, "If I work there, I have to work as hard as possible, or else they won't like me and I'll be lazy." I just can't escape the mindset.
This is part of the reason why I'm so upset with religion. I feel like it made me this way. Now, before you start getting on my case for bashing Christianity, just indulge me a minute. I know that I had the choice to not interpret that verse in the way I did, but think about how my interpretation was reinforced. Aside from all the praise I received at school for working my butt off, haven't you heard pastors preach about being "stewards" of our time and talents? I think that the mainstream culture of Christianity reinforces my interpretation of Colossians 3. And look where that got me.
I don't think Christianity made you the way you are. I think you've been concerned about Obeying All The Rules since you were a toddler. Christianity, religion just gave you an institutional framework in which to ply your perfectionism. If you had been raised by Mormons, you would have ended up the same way. (At least that's my opinion.) So does that mean we're "held captive" by our biology? I don't know. Our brain wiring and chemisty -- and our genes -- play a BIG role in making us who we are, I believe. But I also believe one can choose to act counter to one's genetic "programming."
ReplyDeleteIf I were you, I would not try to live by ANY Bible verse -- or set of verses -- at least for now. Maybe in a year or two you'll have the perspective needed to do that, but, for now, it just seems toxic to you.