Like most of the students at my university, I grew up going to church and wanting to please God. When I was five, I prayed with my mom to accept Jesus into my heart. To be honest, I think I was just terrified of going to Hell and being separated from my family. I don't think it was a real heartfelt desire to be with Jesus at that point. But, whatever it was, that moment marked my induction into the culture of Christianity. From that point on, I tried to live by the standards set out in Christian circles and do my very best to be pleasing to God. I was pretty damn good at it, too! (Hmmm...something seems ironic there...)
By the time I got to high school, my religion had become my main focus in life. I was the one organizing Bible studies with my friends and vowing to never drink alcohol (you all know how long that lasted) and, eventually, planning on going to a Christian college. Once I got to college, my dedication to Christian principles hardened into legalism thanks to a particular Bible study I chose to be a part of. I felt that if I didn't love God with every fiber of my being, there was no point in being a Christian at all. And any deviation from a life devoted to God was indication of the true evil state of my heart. Pretty much, I was doomed. As you can guess, this led to quite a bit of anxiety. I felt I had to give my all to God or else he would reject me. All of this culminated the night before Easter 2009.
By the time I got to high school, my religion had become my main focus in life. I was the one organizing Bible studies with my friends and vowing to never drink alcohol (you all know how long that lasted) and, eventually, planning on going to a Christian college. Once I got to college, my dedication to Christian principles hardened into legalism thanks to a particular Bible study I chose to be a part of. I felt that if I didn't love God with every fiber of my being, there was no point in being a Christian at all. And any deviation from a life devoted to God was indication of the true evil state of my heart. Pretty much, I was doomed. As you can guess, this led to quite a bit of anxiety. I felt I had to give my all to God or else he would reject me. All of this culminated the night before Easter 2009.
That night, I was kneeling on my floor, praying, and I thought I heard God tell me to go out into the hall and sing and the top of my lungs. I was afraid - what a ridiculous thing to do! So I didn't go out, and immediately felt extreme guilt clench around my ribs. That was it. He had rejected me. I had finally proved my allegiance was to myself and not to him. Now there was no turning back. I was going to Hell. Frantic, I roamed the halls, looking for someone to comfort me. I finally holed myself up in a bathroom stall and thought to myself, "I'm already going to Hell... What would it matter if I just killed myself?" That was my lowest point. That was where religion got me...and yet I still held on to it.
Well, that should be enough for now... More to come in the future!
Well, that should be enough for now... More to come in the future!
When I was younger I was a devote catholic. My family was involved with coordinating many activities within the church and everyone had a close relationship with our priest. It felt natural for me to investigate the intricacies of the church and I began studies that involved a lot of research on my own with long discussions with our priest after. I was even thinking about joining the seminary because the life of a priest initially appealed to me. My reflections led to to a very simple discussion with my priest.
ReplyDelete"Father," I said, "I don't have the calling to be a priest."
"Why is that?" My priest asked.
"Sex." I answered.
My priest was a very smart man. He smiled, nodded, and in all our following conversations never pushed, hinted or asked me to reconsider.
The decision not to become become a priest was not an immediate one, it only felt like it. In retrospect I see the event like grains of sand falling onto a balanced scale. Eventually there are enough grains that fall to one side to cause the scale to tilt, and when that cup touches the ground it's impact resonates. That cup might firmly stay there forever, or it might not. I think my priest understood this far better than I did at the time.
Very moving. Similar to experiences I've had. It sounds like this one Bible study you were in was "toxic." (I hate using the psycho-babble jargon! Sorry.) Anyway, I reject the idea that the only way to please God is making our whole life revolve around Him. He's not insecure. He doesn't need the "validation." We need other people. We need fun. We need laughter. We need to play hooky every now and then!
ReplyDeleteOne more thing. A number of years ago, when I was "disciplining" Ben, we studied a book called "The Pursuit of Holiness." This premise of this book is that the only way to please God is to be holy in EVERY area of your life. We're talking about not running a red light at 3 in the morning, or not double-parking when you have to run into your office and get something, etc. What a load. Likg God doesn't have better things to do.
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