Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What is Sin?

I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand sin. Back when I was trying to accept Jesus into my heart for the "first" time, I was encouraged to ask God to show me my sin. Though it may have been that I didn't really want to see, there still didn't seem to be much revealed besides the artificial trappings of the Church. By that I mean I didn't actually feel guilty for anything unless I told myself, "The Bible says that this is wrong." And then I would force myself to feel some sort of guilt. Even after I "received Jesus" on February 1, I didn't feel like he had saved me from a lifetime of sinfulness that was weighing me down. In fact, all that was weighing me down was my false beliefs about Jesus. Once I chose to believe that he loved me, I felt lighter and freer, though that belief didn't last.

Now that I have, at least temporarily, walked away from the guidelines of the Church, I don't feel the pressure to be full of guilt any more. Why bother? Why label things as wrong when they really don't feel that way? Sure, I'm still going to follow the law and I'm not doing outlandish things just for the heck of it. I still believe in a moral code. (Don't even get started on where it comes from. That's a whole different discussion entirely.) I'm just sick of trying to make my life fit in a box that wasn't made for it. If I don't feel hurt by it, and no one else is, why should it be a sin? It all just seems so arbitrary.

I know that things can be said about this. Believe me, I spent my life saying them to myself. I'm just tired of having to explain things away. Why isn't it evident when something is evil? Why can't we decide based on our reason and feelings? Or is that what sin is? Not accepting the rules as they are given to us? I just don't know. But I know I'm tired of being afraid all the time. So, at least for now, I'm leaving the rulebook behind.


  1. So I stumbled upon your blog and as a writer myself I can certainly understand the need to process your thoughts and feelings through words. As a christian who both loves Christ and struggles with what that means I can also relate to your willingness to be honest about what faith means for you, and who God might actually be. I hope you remain sincere in your questioning and sincere in your pursuit of God. Being afraid is never an reaction God desires from us in regards to why we believe and why we seek God. As you openly walk away from some old ways of being "religious" I hope you stay open to whatever new ways God wants to reveal God's self to you. It's usually bordered by love on all sides. Here's to you, another pilgrim on the journey...

  2. I realized that seeing sin from such a young age for me was difficult because I always grew up in a Christian household. There was really nothing for me to convert from. My parents were Christians, taught me from a Christian perspective, and so when I was told I had to convert to Christianity and believe in it for myself, I never really understood what that meant. Since I always understood protestant theology, I always just assumed I was a Christian because I believed the things I was told to believe. I think the heavy conversion theology of the western church sometimes screws up Children who go to churches that are heavily protestant.

  3. Hey, I just found your blog. Your dad found mine and gave me both your links, I'll be looking at his as well. I'm interested in writing. You appear to be a good writer and the length and content of your posts don't make me feel overwhelmed. So I look forward to reading more. I'm ADHD, it's a pain in the butt...

    I did a face-plant at bible college, it can mess with you. One of my term papers was on "Indwelling Sin" and, of course, another was on "Free Will & Predestination". Wow, so glad that I don't think analytically about those things anymore! Just tossed my voluminous notes from college a few weeks ago.

  4. I really appreciate your honesty and searching heart. You are a good writer. Keep processing and seeking truth.