I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand sin. Back when I was trying to accept Jesus into my heart for the "first" time, I was encouraged to ask God to show me my sin. Though it may have been that I didn't really want to see, there still didn't seem to be much revealed besides the artificial trappings of the Church. By that I mean I didn't actually feel guilty for anything unless I told myself, "The Bible says that this is wrong." And then I would force myself to feel some sort of guilt. Even after I "received Jesus" on February 1, I didn't feel like he had saved me from a lifetime of sinfulness that was weighing me down. In fact, all that was weighing me down was my false beliefs about Jesus. Once I chose to believe that he loved me, I felt lighter and freer, though that belief didn't last.
Now that I have, at least temporarily, walked away from the guidelines of the Church, I don't feel the pressure to be full of guilt any more. Why bother? Why label things as wrong when they really don't feel that way? Sure, I'm still going to follow the law and I'm not doing outlandish things just for the heck of it. I still believe in a moral code. (Don't even get started on where it comes from. That's a whole different discussion entirely.) I'm just sick of trying to make my life fit in a box that wasn't made for it. If I don't feel hurt by it, and no one else is, why should it be a sin? It all just seems so arbitrary.
I know that things can be said about this. Believe me, I spent my life saying them to myself. I'm just tired of having to explain things away. Why isn't it evident when something is evil? Why can't we decide based on our reason and feelings? Or is that what sin is? Not accepting the rules as they are given to us? I just don't know. But I know I'm tired of being afraid all the time. So, at least for now, I'm leaving the rulebook behind.