Thursday, May 26, 2011


Today was a lazy day. I just couldn't bring myself to do much besides sleep. I didn't even take a shower this morning. It's kind of sad.

Near the end of junior high, two of my teachers had us write a letter to our future selves to be opened upon graduating from college. Although some of my friends from back then opened their letters a mere few years after writing them, I just now dug mine out and read it. And to be honest, it made me kind of sad. When I talked about what I wanted to be remembered for, everything just dripped with my perfectionism. It's not that I wanted anything bad in itself, just that I could feel the over-active desire to be liked behind all those goals.

Besides that, all of the goals I had then have now fallen from view. For example, I talked about wanting to keep playing soccer for the rest of my life. The very next school year after writing that, I quit soccer altogether. Another goal was to write professionally. I basically haven't written any fiction since high school, nor do I really have much of a desire to. It just seems like so much work now.

A lot of my current "goals" are like that. I want things, but I don't want to put in the work to get there. I want to lose weight, but the very thought of the gym makes me tired. I want to figure out my relationship with God, but the thought processes I have to go through to get there are so draining. When will I care enough about something again to really just go for it? Sometimes I wish I were more like my sister, who just jumps into things full force, no looking back. She's so fearless. My life, on the other hand, is ruled by fear. I'm so tired of it...but, once again, I just don't have the oomph to make any changes. I guess I'm just stuck.

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